2008...

Said to many friends ... " DAMN... 2008 went Fuc%ing fast right!!!..

Seems like just yesterday was STYLO KL.. and damn... its the 31st of December now..

Well.. its a nice time to look back of my life this year..

in January... hmmh.. dont remember much of 2007/2008 new year, only that I was in Midvalley with the Stylistics for a ballroom show or as somone said it ("the stylisTITS from Penisville)... those of you who remember wut happened well good for you!!!! or it was a show whichi donated RM100,000.000 to Malaysian Aids i think but it was said as RM100... well that wut happens when you get an alcoholic emcee....hahahahha

anyways... Lotsa friends I met, lotsa enemies I made too... some one once told me "I'm loved by hundreds but hated by thousands"well.. dude.. after meeting you... i added another number to your hate list cheers MR.BUB*.... hahahahaha (What a name rite)

hahahah...

Also I guess I've fale in Love this year.. yes IN LOVE... o the 20th of July 2008.. will always be a date in my memory..

Despite the many disagreements we had, the countless times my patience was lost... I still love her dearly.

For the first time in my 24 years of life (to some I:M STILL 21!!!), i think ive actually fallen. fallen so deep, i dont wanna other getting up.

Well.. peeps..

I wish all if you that read this (and those who dont) a Happy and prosperous 2009.

May you find happiness and joy in the coming year, and may you live like a king (ok la i watched too much 300) hahahaha..

Cheers ppl and to my love... I love you, and I hope for many more years to come!

Grateful?

How can someone say you take them for granted?

Wut is being taken for granted?

its easy for someone to point a finger and say something,

its easy to say someone is childish. very.

They say to heed your own words, but yet they do not understand even the meaning of what they ask...

for example;

you sit on my table, then ignore me, like I aint there. then you feed the person, again like I aint there.

Then i go for a walk, your friends then sit in my place, I come back to move my stuff, I suddenly became like a complete stranger ..... AT MY OWN TABLE!. then i move my stuff of, and apologize for being there?

WTF?!

fine....

I wont say anything, cause if I do, its me being childish right? fine... 

anyways, thats my frustration for today... what;ll be next I wonder?

more than timings...

Apart from bad timings... its even worse when someone says they are gonna do something, then be all hyped up about it.. then just forget about it..

IT VERY VERY Annoying.. especially when someone has already bad timings, dont keep to appointments, can you even trust them to get the job done?

A lot of ppl are full of talk, but as the organisation NATO.. No Action, Talk Only.

A lot of ideas, a lot of talk, but NO follow through..

Haih.. frustrating aint it?

These ppl are wut I term as, things along the way with no back bone... (a bit long eh)

They have no vision, 

They dont plan for anything for the future

They claim they want to do a lot, but there;s always something in the way

They wont work or be focused as a result of no vision

They are always full of excuses, to try and justify something..

Weird...

timings...

Why do people commit when they cant?

Why do people over promise but under deliver?

Why do people set a time and yet not show up?

Do they not know that they keep others waiting?

That they keep others expectant?

Why all the hype but no action?

WHY? WHyY WHY?

I've had people say they are downstairs (my office is 2 floors up). So I go down, they are NOT there. Then you cal them then they say their parking. Then you wait another 10 mins, call them, and guess wut? They wont answer their calls. Then they call you back and say, 'oh, i was in Bangsar Shopping Centre, thought your office was there' (My office is in Telawi BTW). Then they rock up 1 hour later.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKING FRUSTATIING THAT IS??? and the best part, he wants to see me to do a business deal, AND its the first time meeting me. How professional.

Then other times, you get someone saying they are coming at 2, and they will hurry, but at 4pm, you still dont see them. And then you ask them and they say 'you still in bangsar?' What kind of no brainer is that???? I mean, you supposed to meet me in Bangsar, and then you ask me where I am, when you are already 2 hours late?...

I personally feel, there are 3 reasons for this

1) They are just indisciplined and lazy.

2) they are compulsive pathological liars.

3) they dont give 2 hoots bout other ppl cause they seem to think they are better off.

Whichever the reason is... .. If you find yourself in this category, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

ITs not that difcult to send a text to say you'll be late or something, rather than keep quiet and wait for the other person to ask.

If you have a problem with timing, DEAL WITH IT! People dont have to get use to your late comings. It only shows how unprofessional you are.

"Things could be worse"

If you thought your life was bad or shitty, things could be worse.....

Your wife turned Lesbo, your daughter's a slut

Your son, Richard Junior, likes dicks in his butt.

Your boss is an asshole who thinks you're a jerk.

You'd rather be beaten than show up for work.

The bank has foreclosed on that dump you call home

There's less hairs on your head than those stuck in your comb.

Your car just got reposed, your daughter's with child

Your dyke wife informs you, divorce has been filed.

Your dog got run over by the neighbor you hate,

and you know its your fault for not closing the gate

Just when you thought your life could'nt suck anymore,

you discover your dick has an open sore.

You go to your doctor who just shakes his head,

so make the decision you'll better be off dead.

But the only pill on your medicine shelf,

that you can OD on to finish yourself

is a bottle of Viagra, so you take every one,

waiting for death, but experiencing none.

Instead of those damn pills ending your life,

your dick just falls off, increasing your strife.

SO always remember, whatever your pain,

whatever your problems that drive you insane,

Someone, somewhere is worse off than you

In the overall picture, your problems are few.

NOW, shut the fuck up and get me a beer!

This Life

Day in Day out

Morn comes, a new day is seen,

From my humble abode I go into the wolf's lair

And there I will be for the next freaking 16 hours or so per freaking day...!!!!

Is this what I want?

Is this the life I choose to lead?

To not have a life out of my weekends?

Dinners are cancelled, plans are cancelled,

Friends become acquaintances which in time will reduce to just mere strangers

Many roads lie ahead, many paths are before me,

which one do I choose? What do I do?

We can speculate the end point, but we cant think of the journey.

A decision only I can make for myself, why burden others with this questions, fool I am to think theyd care.

Something I must think hard about.

The choices I choose to live life by...

Decisions you make...

Many decisions I have made in my life, may steps I made in life..

Spoke to Poodle bout my career steps throughout the years...

Leaving Hilton and working somewhere else, getting paid less

then leaving there and getting paid even less

then leaving there and getting paid even less... but connections and growth here are limitless..

But then what is it al about? A choice between job satisfaction, and money...

I obviously chose satisfaction... I may not be making the money I want now.. but I met someone very special to me, I am glad I amy all those moves, if not I would not have met her. 

I am content with her, and this chain of events, just lead me to her.

you know how they say 'when you know, you just know'... well i knew when i met her..

What makes you?

Someone once asked me, " What makes who you are today?"

I guess its pretty much a discussional / debatable topic...

Some would say ' your past'...

Who you are today is how you were brought up, is through all the things in the past, is they way we as human beings adapt with our surroundings and past, and circumstances that has lead us here today..

Some would say ' your future'...

      I'd say the same too.... why?.. I dunno... hahaha

Well I would say, your determination of your future constructs who you are or rather must be for the future, 

In an example, If i'd by next sunday, I will give you a year long fully paid holiday to travel the globe, you naturally would really look forward to Sunday, and wrap up everything dat needs to be done throughout the week, thus, this coming Sunday, s affecting how you are today, like wise, when dat year is up, and the following week you are back to your normal routine life, you start feeling a lil sad, again the future, changes how you are in the present...

What would you say?

Someone once told me, 'In order to achieve big things, first dream big' - Conrad Hilton, the founder of Hilton International ( I guess he forgot to inform his grand daughter... but then she may dream of other big 'things')

....

Bi-lingual...

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice

Hearing you speak my name

Beckoning me to answer

Telling me you want me

So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love

Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of uTracing your shadowscape

Trust...

Safety & trust... twin sides of the same coin. - both involve risk and both form the foundation of any great relationship

Safety - the feeling you get when you have trust

Its weird how we say we can trust someone, or we have trust issues and etc?

But we trust total strangers easily in everyday life. The reason may be that we trust a stranger easier than intimate partners is cause we think that a stranger cannot hurt us like we imagine. But then... there was something i read..

' it takes a great deal of trust to drive a car down the road at 100kmh and an oncoming car on the other side also at a 100kmh and only one white line separating the two of you.'

The potential for danger is great- you dont know if the other person has been drinkng; you dont know if he's gonna stay on his side of the road. That actually takes alot of trust

Two of the thoughts paterns that destroy trust in reaionships are dwelling on the past pain and futurizing about potential negative events that haven't happened. Every time your mind starts to make up wild stories that involve abandonment, guilt, jealousy- those visuals or tapes just keep on playing in your mind and just dont stop!

THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.... NOW HOW DID WE GET RID OF IT?

Is it possible to bring yourself back to the present moment and differentiate the past, future and the present. 

My thoughts... 

When we have these negative feelings, we talk about them, not hiding them but being honest, we know the source came fromt he past, the situation in your head is not threatening to the other person, but how do we let those negatives thoughts go.

In a young relationship, you need to bridge the differences, get to know one another, but then the basis of any good relationship has to be trust. So... without trust, its a challenging feat.

What bothers you...

in HER life....

I asked him what was wrong - he said nothing

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset - he said it had nothing to do with me and not t worry

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled ad kept driving. I cant explain his behaviour; I dont know why he dint say 'I love you too'. 

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, He just sat there and watced TV. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep.

I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else...

In HIS life..

Work is sooooo fucked up. Someone I knew really fucked me over..

The thin line

Sitting in this new found mamak... Black and white.. a bit the high class mamak..

was chatting with C aka 'siti' (In future, all references to C will be made as Siti)... hahah.. A comment was passed, about territorial / overprotective boyfriends..

thus...

What is the thin line between a protective boyfriend and a OVERPROTECTIVE boyfriend...

This is what I think......

Protective if he's worried about your health or safety (drinking too much, being assaulted, not eating right, not sleeping enough) but still lets you go out on your own or with friends - and is confident enough you wont cheat on him.

Overprotective is if he's trying to stop you from doing things without him because he doesn't trust you or doesn't want you to have fun without him and is unnecessarily jealous. Possessive is the next step - when he sees you as his property and thinks he can control every part of your life (clothes, ho ; bbies, who you meet...) Thats definately a step too far and that step isnt very big.....

What do you think?

to know or not to know....

What which would you prefer?

To know and be hurt?

To assume and cause yourself mental torture?

To ask and not believe?

To act upon your assumptions and maybe screw things over?

What would you do?

Californian Curb Kick

Hmmh.... something I dint know existed actually does.. and it even has a name.

'Californian Curb kick'

To curb : the act of 'curbing'. Slang for a horribly disgusting way of inflicting damage/and or causing death.

It involves someone open mouth biting on the corner of the curb so they are open jawed across the cement. You then stomp on the back of their head causing their jaw to split open across the curb.

Commonly the results would be, massive reconstructive surgery and dental work, if not death.

If you see that guy again, you probably cant recognize him, but if you dont know where he is.... he probably died..

Interesting....  What would case someone to inflict or receive such an act..

Days of our lives...

"Has what you done in the past have in whatever way improved your quality of life?"

These words was taken off the movie 'American History X'... Some scenes depicted in the movie have struck some parts of my mind, some buried memories that come alive.

Memories that should have been buried, its weird that at the point you do things in life, you don't see the extend of how wrong or right it is... but when you see it through someone else.. it strikes much more..

Sometimes when we are young, we do stupid things, things that would haunt us for the rest of our lives, some people would have regretted their actions some will not, but for those who did, I thank the world to some extend that they would give us a second chance to redeem and prove ourselves...

but for the rest... well too bad...

Another quote I like..

"History is a people's memory, and without a memore, man is demoted to the lower animals"

Malcom X

Id, ego and super ego....

Interesting theory..

The brain divided into three parts, the id, the ego and super ego.

The id. Pleasure

The part which wants only pleasure, without though/conscience. Total opposite of the super ego.

Like a new born baby, it does not know right from wrong, it just wants to have fun. Without thinking of the norm of the world.

The ego.

Caught in between the id and the super ego. The part with conscience. It wants to satisfy the id and at the same time the super ego. It is the part of us that wants to be norm. The part that wants to fit in the world and what we learn as is right

The super ego. Total opposite of the id

The father figure, the one which wants to be right..

I'm bored.... and I miss her... :-(

A Prayer....

A prayer for the stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I cannot accept,

and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had 

to kill today because they pissed me off

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on

today as they may be attached to the ass that I may have

to kiss tomorrow

Help me to always give 100% at work

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

and help me to remember...

When I'm having a really bad day,

and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,

that it takes 42 muscles to frown but

only 4 to extende my middle finger and tell them to Fuck Off!!!

Amen

missin...

You are the best thing that has happened to me recently,

you give me reason to look forward with much belief

Whenever I hear you speak, I wanna go on,

To do what I thought i'll never do before,

your words drip the sweetest note like a honeycomb,

They make my heart feel like i'm already home

You make my life bearable

And the kindness you've shown is near unbelievable

Nobody has shown that kind of warmth and interest

That you have shown to me, not to talk of the rest

I look forward every passing day

To the day i'll see you smile to me again..

I miss you...

Yes even though its only 14 days....

trust...

Trust, earned or lost

Do you have it from the beginning?

Do you earn it?

Does it take long?

I think trust is earned and lost

It must never be questioned

For questioning trust is questioning your friend

if you have to question your friend, did you ever really trust them to begin with?

Will you ever be close to that person again?

Will you ever hear their secrets?

How will it ever be the same?

They might not ever fully trust you...

I know how this feels

I have lost people's trust many a time before

People have lost my trust

Why on earth dont they trust me, why on earth dont I trust them

I wished we could, but the past just seems to haunt on...

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard

I Dont know you

But I Want you

All the more for that

Words fall through me

And always fool me

and i cant react

And games that never amount

To more than they're meant

Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

you've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me

And I cant go back

Moods that take me and erase me

And I;m Painted black

You have suffered enough

and warred with yourself

It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home

we've still got time

Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You;ve made it now

Content....

Whoa..... cant remember much during the last two weeks...

All I know is dat have been up and down Singapore many times.. HA hahaha... I;m the new unpaid driver! DAMN!!!

STYLO SG seems to be kicking of well, the first leg would be the prelude launch on the 1st of August in HKL..

So work = 8/10 hahahaha fo rnow.. hope it would be 12/10

Relationships... well I guess that goes better... hahaha

Me and that certain someone have decided to give it a try.. so we are on 'probation' hahaha Doink!

Its funny, how in the initial stage, she would say, NOoooooo, dont wanna be involved, because of too may uncertainties in life, dont wana get hurt bla bla bla..

And me still being there, well as the saying goes, ... (Whats that saying again).. somehting about always being around and the heart grows fonder hahahaha..

Anyways yeah.... HAHAHA

Well... its still a bit difficult as there are some people around that would like to dictate my life. weirdos!!!

'Dont date her' , 'I dont have good feelings', 'she is too young for you'.... GOD!!!! Whats up with you people....!!!!!

You dont even know her, how can you judge???? STUPID!!!

None the less... I am living my life and those who have their opinions.. well .. Fuck Off!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Anyways.. yeah.. Am contente for now, I am happy being with her, Happy doing things for her, Just happy with her presence... 

Oh boy... I think I'm in Love!!!

Feelings of uncertainty

Uncertainty is a term used in subtly different ways in a number of fields including philosophy, statistics, economics, finance, insurance, psychology, sociology, engineering, information science... and our very conscious...

I know someone who had this thought of uncertain death.... and flash that she would die. Today in fact. 5th July. and could even describe the manner of her ascertain death...

I worry for her... I offered to come over cause I heard she was down... She asked me for what..

I have no reply....

I wanna be around someone I care about.. I wanna be there for her... but haih... I dont think she wants me around..

Maybe my uncertain death is coming... death to the heart... again..

Stylo Singapore

Just got back from countless meeting in Singapore...

Been driving like for 20 hours over two days...

Meetings was good...in my opinion.. S

Scheduled for the 26th of September... 

Got to fly down on Monday for a 9.30am meet there and then come back.. then drive down on wednesday and back on thursday... ARGH!!!!!!!!!

Macha...

Macha.... the nickname that the usual suspects had given to my ex housemate...

This is his story...

He moves outta my house, 

Still has my keys, cause i did tell him if you ever feel lonely call me and come over

then he goes.

So i thought.......

One day i come back, and he sits in the hall... I keep quiet.

as far as i recall, I did say call before coming. weird.. don't think he understands english..

anyways, Leisa has some alcohol stored over, and his visits gets more frequent. the alcohol depletes....

CHEAP BASTARD!!!!

he then does the worst thing ever. He backstabs me to his bosses who know my boss very well. That was the last straw for this fuckin loser.

Changed my locks. Don need to tell him anything. Dont owe him any explanation.

What kind of loser is this????

The things you do...

the things you do that put a smile on my face... even when i show you a shitty face... but then if i showed you i like it... then you would stop..

... when you do that nasal laugh

... when you tickle me

... when you poke me and try to irritate me

... when you reply my messages

... when you hug me

... when you follow me out and bear with my friends who can be pains occasonally

... when you fix the woodcraft

... when you are there when i need you

... when you chase me around in the mall

... when you let all cares go and be a child

... when you ask me for help

... when you say my name

... when you compliment me

... when you lay beside me

... when you sleep on my arm

... when you follow me for house shopping

... when you change my sheets

... when you smile, it feels like a bunch of roses just bloomed.....

..........

Someone....

Met a girl recently...

Well actually met her during STYLO kl,

Initial thought = she was a spoiled brat.. hahahahaha

Then met her again recently.. when she was looking for a job, introduced her to my boss, which had been drinking and upset, thanks to the moron NIGEL GAN, who just had to tell her on that day that he was leaving the company and joining 'Taman Taman'. Fucker!... sorry.. just had to say it la..

andways... this gal meeting upset boss... not good.. she left unhappy..

Back to the plot...

Changed my perception of her, she was actually not a spoilt brat, she was actually quite the opposite. she was down to earth...

(psst.... she still harping on the fact that i thought she was a brat/bimbo... )

anyways... after that night did not see her, then bout 2 weeks later when i'm out with the usual suspects (Me, Bryan, Eke, Leisa, and Priya).. we went to Social..and as we were leavng.. there was this familar face sitting outside the place talking on the phone...

Greeted her, said hello... and left.. went down ti Nirvanas to have supper. Texted her that its not safe talking on the phone at night alone especially in bangsar.. And she replies.. and i reply and she replies and i repli x 11ty2 million times..

hahahhahah

anyways... I finally ask her out for dinner. Took her to attic in bangsar. Twas a Sunday...

We had some dinner and suffered with the horrible sounding band..

oh and if anyone who reads this works/knows the owner of the attica.. please tell him his shound sucks. For 1 ... you dont face your speakers towards each other... its just wrong dude... oh.. and if you wanna amplify something.. amplify everything!!!!

yeah...

so we left from attic and went to a mamak near her place..chilled there till like 6 am... then left for home and suffered the whole day at work.. sigh...

anyways, twas the next day that  text and told her that i like her... like 'like'.. and she goes to saying noooooooo.. hahahaha.. no la she had her reasons, and even told me to stop. or things just might get messy...

two things i could do

1) leave and sulk

2)stay and maybe get hurt or maybe not

I chose No.2

Some of my guy friends gave me different opinions

1) Leg i dude.. if she says so.. leave her alone.. or she;ll just milk you dry

  2) Bro... the only opinion that matter is your own. Dont listen to others, especially matters of the heart

and so... I chose No. 2 again

We then went out many times.. chilled for hours, talked over the phone for hours, we text like almost everyday. It almost seems like we're in a relationship already... hahahah

Anyways, i then ask her again 'Remember when you said nothing will ever happen between us, does it still apply' and she goes on to saying," yes it still does. and please stop liking me, it may be my mistake for someone great like you go but thats my prerogative" 

Haih... I just dunno what to do...

anyways I just put it past me, swear t myself that i;ll never bring it up to her again. We still are the same, if not closer.

She stays over, we chill, I can lie down still and not say a word, and still feel content just with her very presence...

I'm in love I guess... Yes I am... I think about her all the time, I care for her, I love her..

But yes I know it will never come to a conclusion, it will never happened, It will be me just in love with someone who will never be loved back...

The time will come when i'll be broken to a million pieces, when i;ll be hurt so bad beyond recognition.. I just hope someone will be there when it happens... to help me piece back the parts into 1....

But for now, I'll just love her and care for her as much as I can. for some reason she makes me whole when i;m with her. Like the missing piece in the puzzle she fits ever so perfectly....

Alcohol

Oh guess what... I quit drinking!!!!!! till December 19th 2008 at least...

Woo Hoo..

Apparently there are many bets running bets that i'll loose... hmmh.. wonder if I can cash in!!!

New found

Friends......

is someone special,

A friend

is that special one

A friend

is someone you never lie to

A friend

can b a boy or a girl

A friend

is someone that is always

A friend

will always listen to you

A friend

always has input to give

A friend

will never leave you in the dust

A friend

Will help you through the thick and the thin

A friend 

will always stand by your side

A friend

will never let you down

A friend

is someone everyone needs

Hmmh.... 24 years of my life,

Many friends I've had,

Many have come,

Many have gone,

But who are my friends, my real friends.. friends who have been there throughout my life?

For years over Ive always claimed that i dont have friends or shoulders to lean on...

for years I though I was alone...

Perhaps, because I grew up too fast? too mature? too wat???

Ive isolated the ones who cared, the ones who were sincere...

Mistakes ive made, will haunt you when least expect...

I guess, time has changed my perception,

its time i've allowed some people in y life..

 I met Bryan Bam Bam, Eke@Chalkie, Louise@LULU... oh and Sree... surprisingly.. even though we know each other for only but a few weeks, somehow it feels we know a lot.. sometimes maybe too much...

But then i love ya all!!!

Stylo Music Fest

ahhhhhh... A new baby!!!! and its mine..

STYLO MUSIC FESTIVAL.... as much as I am happy, as much I am tired already... just thinking of the work

HAHAHAHAHA

It'l be fun..

And thank god for Puven!!!! Such a life saver, more than a friend, more than a bro...!!!

And not to all you dots who think that sounds gay. IT DOES NOT AND WE ARE NOT!!!

Cheers!!!

Sorry

To all that I have hurt, indirectly or directly in the past and present.....

Sorry, I'm so sorry

Sorry for making you mad

Sorry for everything I said

Sorry for lying to you

Sorry, I'm so sorry

Sorry if I disappointed you

Sorry if I hurt you

Sorry for everything

Sorry, I'm so sorry

Sorry that I liked you

Sorry that i dreamt of you

Sorry that i missed you

Sorry, I'm so sorry

Sorry that I loved you

Sorry that you dint

Sorry that we had to fight

Sorry, I'm so sorry

Sorry....

looking back....

hey... 

Its been a while since i sat here, since i sat her typing and spilling (verbal/typing diarrhoea) all my emotions thoughts and ideas here on this pathetic website...

I know all my recent post are quite emotional and probably leads those who read, or me potraying that i have no life. Quite lame dont you think....?

I must say many things have happened since, some good, some bad, and some just...normal..

hahaha

I shall ignore my past, the recent ones at least...

after my last post, K who read my post was offended on what i wrote, we had some verbal disagreements... and we sorted. or at least i think...

Well, she may have done some bad things to me, or so I make it seem. I'm sorry.

But, its not entirely her fault... it takes two to clap...

Things i may have done or said could have led to things being ugly...

Anyways... bottom line now, she has apologized to me, and I....being the stubborn ass that I am, just cant forgive..

Why?  I dont know... Partly maybe because I dont wanna get hurt no more? or maybe just the male ego kicking in? I dunno...

It works fine with me, so why should i change it right?....

Correction

OOPS!, my bad

In the post ' Club just aint a Club..' there is a correction on Line 14.

It should read, 'She drove to my parents house' and not I picked her from some kampung as earlier said'

Tks

Dilemma

Haih... words can only be words, actions are actions, what it means can be interprated in many ways...

I had a friend say to me ;

'Dude, get out of it'

'Dude, why just stay in and get hurt'

'Dude, she just using you'

'Dude, dont you see? you are the filler, the one she looks for when no one else is around'

Haih....

Then she tells me, think what you wanna think. yeah maybe I am the bad one, maybe I am using you.

'But if I do this and that for you, why do I?'

I dunno what to belive anymore, I just dont...

"Father , Father.

who never turned away,

When I walked away,

To seek a love,

In a world of lies"

"Argh!!! They just twirl you round their little finger they do, they use you till you cant give no more, then they just leave you to bleed with the vultures".... Alex Martin

A club just aint a club...

Saturday 10/5/2008

Woke up like 7.30.. on a SATURDAY...

DAMN!!! I Dont even wake up dat early when i work...
Offered to send someone back to their home town..

Picked ehr up sent her, then went for my appointment at 10 to send my car in..
time passed, 10.10, 10.15, 10.20.. FUCK!!!

Shop dude still sleeping.. so screw it la..

Decided to do it myself, baught the parts needed,

Went home, but the Sun was soooooo hot.. decided to sleep instead
hahaha

Adrian was leaving to Vietnam, and also his birthday, so there was this small gathering/party in Barclub.

So asked K if she wanted to come alond, and she said yes..

She drove to my parents house and parked her car... (Corrected Line)

Says she wanna go to Backyard to her friends perform, so i said ok, we can go there for a while then after to barclub..

So reached Backyard bout 11, as we were about to go in she comes up to me and says
' err... dont be surprised k, we might bump into someone here'

'who' I said

'M....'

okay... so basically you dragged me here to be a lampost? you only had the whole time in the car to tell me right?

Anyways thanks, the minute he comes, i'll ditch you k..

He came, I left.

Went down to barclub, refused to answer her calls..

I dunno.. was i overreacting? Or was I just hurt? Or was I just refusing to further get hurt?
Was it vengance? I dunno...

I just felt shitty... hurting her, hurts me more... Haih..

Anyways, on normal occassions, this would have been the oppurtunity to get drunk, But trying my best to stay disciplined, as, I have quit alcohol.. (YES I HAVE!!!!!!!) maybe for a few months i guess.. try... at least..

Being sober in a club, is just weird.. you look around and see the stoooopid things ppl do, and then you think.. damn is dat how I am when i;m drink?

Anyways, its been 4 nights of parties, total days 9. and all without alcohol!!!

Yay...

Had a tough time sleeping... very tough.. she was just all over my thoughts..

I felt hurt, I did not like hurting her.. not at all....

Scary....

Friday 9/5/2008

Supposed to go for a brthday party, CO, in the Sanctuary.. oh oh oh wait..

Bout the birthday party, was this chick i used to know, bla bla bla, but her sister..
England not very powderfull la.

Got the invitation via SMS which read

'Hey alex, please come for my birthday party tonight k,
About 10 pm in Sanctually'

(notice Santually)

'I replied, where the F*** is Sanctually.. or do you mean Sanctuary?'

She goes, same thing la, same pronounciation ma' spelling only different'

Slap my forehead.. STOOOOOOOPID NYA

anyways back to the story at hand...

Was supposed to meet up With lilian to join as well,
Went to the gym, went by Bangsar to have some food.. *oh and K baught her sequins hehe)
Met up with Lilian who asked if Eddie could come (Li Lians ex boyfriend)
Eddie joined alon, now as i have not showered and changed yet decided to go home and chang 1st, thus had no choice but to invite Li and Ed to come along.

Went home with a Btl of Vodka.
Changed & showered, and still waiting for the arrivals of the guests of honours (Ed & LI) to arrive...

(In case you lost.... i left first as they had to get some stuff, supposed to be 10 mins only)

Anyways they finnaly arrived at 11.30pm.. which i then said 'LETS GO'
and they were like wait la, tired la, (Diu!)

So we started drinking the vodka, then there was this tension like thing going on between the two...

Alcohol and ex's.. dont go too well...

So now in Sanctually.. (just to please some dudes)


Bla bla bla.. Then Eddie start his nonsense...
wanting to jump off the building and etc if Li does not take him back
Oh gawd... STOOOPID...

Dude... go fuck someone... really..

Had to pull him off the balcony's ledge, then he kinda pushes me around, and finally,
as much as I hated doing this (Yeah right) I had to 'defend' myslef, Slapped the dude, and there he was passed out cold on the floor... but forgot to remove my ring, thus caused him a nice bleed...

haih

Left Sanctuary... Was contemplating if I should see K..

But then as she had an early morning and so did I, decided to go sleeeeeeeeep..

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

People will go....

Nobody listens

Nobody cares about it anymore

Jealousy

And I don't even know your name

But everybody gets it

In a blink it leaves you cold in the night

Jealousy

And I don't even know your name

Burned into your memory

People will go

People will come

People will lead you till your heart is numb

People will go

People will come

People will lead you till your heart is numb

I know exactly what you're thinking

Dejavu.....

Thursday 1/5/2008

The wound still bleeds, the pain still exist.... in the meantime ive sorta been seeing this person.. i dunno if seeing would be the right word, dunno wats it all about, maybe just close friends which i miscontruded... I dunno..

Had a morning meet with Mike, for some other work... Went to have a look at my car, and this other person.. hmmh i'll just call her 'K' la... was with me...

Told me she had a movie with someone, cool, i say, enjoy urself k...

Dropped her at Gardens, and i moved on home to practice some bass..

Promised Sean i would take him for a movie, so picked him up at 6.45 went to Gardens, booked a show for 9.00pm
damn.. like 2 hours.. wut to do..

Decided to go get something to eat...
Went down to Burger King, .... K called and then joined us with M...

walked around a bit, left them at 8..

Went for my movie, sat tru it...
K text me at about 10 ish... replied her..

Left the movies at bout 11.15.. still no reply called her 3 times no answer..

Starting to worry a lil..

Sent sean home...
Called her again still no answer...

More worrying...
Reached home... and he is not at home as well...

I called again no reply, checked with her housemate, she's not back..
My heart starts to pound...

Called D and got M's number, called M and also no answer..

and then i get a text from K... ' I'm with him'

yeah like ok... at least tell from the beggining la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

twas bout 1am i think...

Anyways... another slap taken...

What goes up must come down....

Wednesday - 30/4/2008.
Sneaked off from D, avoided the beers with some stupid story i conjured up.. hehe
Had to reach 1U by 6.30pm to pick up Def, but then had to wait for a certain someone to come down, get in the car only to tell me 'errr.... actually ah, i not going with you la, someone pickin me up' LIKE HELLO DONT MAKE ME WAIT 30 MINS THEN TELL ME'!!!!!!!!

Anyways, went down to 1U.. arrived at 7.45.. got a lil shelling from def for being more than an hour late.. sigh...

Managed to calm her down... By saying 'we go eat later k' haha.. dat was easy...

ps : anyone reading this DONT tell her

Went down to LG, met with Joseph and Bri boy... got in to MODA, had some really strong drinks
Thanks to Leng from Zouk...

Sat down, MODA was alright, except the part that IT WAS LIKE 2 HOURS LONG!!!!!!!!!
during the awards there was no backstage assistants to pass the awards out, the president had to run back get the awards and then give it out, and plus the best thing happened.... Durin photoshoot, 1 of the awards the 'crystal' ball fel off... hahahah

Oh and btw.... I think it was 'Kasutpanas' doing the event... good job guys!!!!

Anyways... me and def left to have some dinner in Italianees... which was good, except she was a lil pre occupied with some work issues...

Then we went down to laundry to join some friends...
and there he stood...
Another face i just did not need to see....
Another slap, straigh to my face... ARGH!!!

She went to him, they laughed and they chatted and they hugged... how loving... yeah..
I was left to chil wit one of her friends...
Forced ti put on a fake smile through out the night...

It was the longest night of my life.. it felt like days, but in reality it was just 1.5 hours...

The lights when it came on, when the DJ say 'good night' it was probably the best thing i could have seen or heard... never have i been do happy!!!!

We left i asked her if she could go back wit her friend as i did not wanna eat, so she did....


sigh... even as friends I still get shot...

the night was over, the morning was near, but the wound just keeps bleeding....

Goodbye love...

I don't really want to say goodbye

I don't really want to leave you

But now u have to go away

and I stay away from you forever

What we had was something special

Deep down from our hearts

But now u have to go away

And leave me from your heart

Confused...

What is this feeling I have?

I seem to love you

But other times I seem to loathe you

I can't be without you

Or maybe just without anyone

I think about you all the time

But why do I have this feeling?

I long for your voice

And I would die to hear your laugh

But is this love

Or merely lust?

RAW

It's nice new placein Solaris, went there by accident just out of pure boredom.
Great place... found nice solitude fo rmyself and alcohol...

All emotions and feeligns crushed as soon as the barman greeted me...

His face brought back so many memores and images..

The memory of walking in my house, of figuring out why the door was lock...

The feeling of my heart pounding away...

The cold sweat that treaded down my forehead...

The thoughts that flashed my mind...

The minute i opened the door....

The expression i saw....

The betrayal that slapped me across the face...

The hurt, the pain...

....


Trying to put the thought behind me and get it over, the fact that 2 years of my life was a complete waste of time... Then when all is calm... I see the face that stirs it up... the person who can invoke a great deal of energy from me... the face of one my beloved betrayed me upon...

Why do we love and let love?
Why live and let live?

......

STYLO....

STYLO...? Dont ask me who chose the name....DONT!

its approx 22 days to the day... life is just so hectic, 18 hour work days with no off days..

It Sucks!!!

Just to say it!

Bali....08

6/01/2008... depart from KL at 4.40... get on the plane fly through rain clouds all the way to Bali.. after many sequences of my life flashing by..Touchdown at 7.40 in Denpasar (Pictures to come)

Looked around for my pick up... no sign.. and stupid mobil phone just wont roam.. ARGH!!!

Found a public telephone, made the call, met with up with Mike.

Headed on down south to Jimbaran, apparently where the best seafood is found on the island

Nice place, it was on the beach literally. Went to a shop called Megna cafe, which is the best and also where the bomb was.. Scary....

Left Jimbaran to Ku De Ta, had a couple of drinks, did not take any photos though...then checked in in Casa Indigo, a boutique minimalist hotel in Jln Petitenget, Semiyak... nice place.. Per night is RP400k.. Website is http://www.casaindigobali.com/

Yeah.. pictures was taken next morning... after i messed the place up

Anyways, Mike and Danielle left for home, and me... with my itchy legs, started to paint Bali in a nice shade of red.....Took a taxi to Kuta/Legian, where all the Aussie beer fulled belly ppl were, hit a few clubs, Gals were very nice to the eye haha

1st stop, Poppies, twas alright, moderately packed, nothing interesting, next stop, Bounty, has 2 floors, upstairs for R&B and downstairs for House. House floor was dead... and R&B was just pumping... Lotsa gals.. and guys witout shirts.. hot sticky and stinky..

Went on to other clubs around... Nothing interesting.. Which idot would wanna club on a sunday right...

Back to casa.. zzzzzzzz

Day 2 : Woke up with many calls from mike to have breaksfast, dragged myself outta bed.. packed my stuff, went down to ku de ta, had an english breakfast, very nice... After breakfast went around town, just roaming aimlessly... nothing interesting..

Met up with some friends in the evening.. back in Ku De Ta.. really getting hooked to this place.. nice..

Went around in the area.. still not much action on a monday. Had to leave early cause now moving into Mike's house...in Seminyak

Had the whole place to myself... Nice.. well at least till some point haha...

ZZZzzzzzzzzz

Day 3. Woke up at 10.30 with a massive hangover, went breakfast in Daydream.. forgot the cam..sigh..

Went with Mike for furniture shopping and a massage... Clean Massage.. Headed back home to pack stuff again, now going to Sanur, the Ylang Ylang villa which is where i'll be staying for the rest of my stay...

...Nothing much to say bout the house.. and the bathroom.. oooooooooooooooh the bathroom...

Now also has been granted permission to use the car.... its time to drive around Bali.. but right now.. too tired to write more.. Will continue tomorrow....